It's hard to write about things that are tough subjects and that is why I simply haven't been writing over the last several years. You see, I have been told what I should be doing for so long that I feel like a shell of a person just striving to do what others think is best for my family.
You see, for so many years I was judged and I still am. People who are supposed to be in my corner are just sitting back there looking at what I do and shaking their heads. They shake their heads because what I am doing is not what they think I should be doing. As I explore more of expectations in this blog post, let's take a step back and see what is really going on.
I have brothers and sisters, yes. However, when was the last time one of them contacted me just to say hi? I can't remember a time. Instead, they reach out when they want something. Whether it's to ask if I know how to do something or to simply tell me that I am stupid, that's the kind of contact I get. You see, when I decided to move out from home at the young age of 18 and move nearly 1,000 miles away they made their decisions as to if they wanted to be part of my life or not. Their actions over the years have proved that I am the black sheep. The one no one wants to be near. This has not only hurt, but also proved that I was right to move away from the dysfunction that surrounds my family.
I have friends, however they are all far away. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. It takes boatloads of trust for me to build relationships with anyone because of the number of times I've been burned. As sad as that is, I am constantly reminded that my mind works this way for a reason.
I work from home. I am blessed to have had this job for more than 3 years. However, many have shown just how much they disapprove of my keeping this job simply because it doesn't pay as much as they think it should. They don't care that this job has been what has supported my family when it needed to or that it has been what has kept me mentally able to deal with everyday.
I was a stay at home mom, but I was too afraid to tell anyone because my husband didn't make a ton of money, so we would have been judged for me being a stay at home mom.
Even after I started working and my children were bullied at school, I pulled them home and they were doing great with homeschooling I was judged. Because others thought that the children weren't getting enough socialization.
You see, no matter what I do, others see this as not good enough. Because I don't make nearly $100k a year, I am not doing enough for my family. Because I don't always have a smile on my face and willingness to go and do what others want to do, I'm not good enough. Because I don't have a 2nd car I'm not good enough.
There are so many things that people can judge me on, and I am just so tired of it. It has gotten to the point to where I ask "what would so-and-so say about this decision". I can't just do something because it's something that I or my family wants to do. We can't live where we want. We can't work where we want. We can't celebrate milestones the way we want. The list goes on and on. We are all but destined to be robots doing whatever everyone else wants us to do.
This leads me to an article posted on Huffpost where Arabelle Yee discusses expectations and whose we are really fulfilling. The main points of her article are:
1. What ifs
2. Fitting in
3. Expectations
4. Norm
Basically she says that because we have become a society that lives our lives by weighing the pros and cons of every situation, we will always come back to the negative and not do what we really want to do. For me this translates into "what if so-and-so disapproves". I should not have to think about what other people will think about a decision that I have made. I should not have to worry that one of my brothers will tell me that I need to find a place to love and stay there. I should not have to worry that because I have made a decision others will think my children will suffer.
We do this because we are afraid that we will not fit into the mold that society has created for our lives. Because we have grown up in the land of opportunity, society expects so much out of us. These high expectations is what leads to people being depressed. It is what leads to failure. As friends and family members, we must remember that it is our job to support and uplift one another not judge and talk about our loved ones behind their backs. I am excluded from many things and purposely photo shopped out of pictures people post online because I don't fit the mold that they want to display. This only alienates people further.
Society has decided over the years to apply expectations. This goes all the way down to when we are infants. We expect our children to be sitting by 6 months and walking by 12 otherwise there must be something wrong with them. We expect our teenagers to get perfect grades because we are expecting them to attend ivy league schools on full ride scholarships, but when do we stop and listen to what they want? We do not realize that our fantasies (our expectations) are just that... a fantasy. In the real world, we cannot meet fantasies because that's just what they are. Hopes and dreams set so high that a normal person would not ever be able to reach it.
Finally, we need to take a step back and think about the norm. We need to realize that the norm is only as such because that's what others are doing in a similar way. We must become aware of what the norm is and then live our lives the way we want to live them. We must set aside what others think is best for us and simply do what brings us the most joy.
Dalai Lama said "I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path".
If we really take hold of those words and find a way to make sure that we are not allowing the expectations of others to dictate our lives, we will slowly see the joy come back into our lives a little at a time.
What are some ways you can work to do this?
You see, for so many years I was judged and I still am. People who are supposed to be in my corner are just sitting back there looking at what I do and shaking their heads. They shake their heads because what I am doing is not what they think I should be doing. As I explore more of expectations in this blog post, let's take a step back and see what is really going on.
I have brothers and sisters, yes. However, when was the last time one of them contacted me just to say hi? I can't remember a time. Instead, they reach out when they want something. Whether it's to ask if I know how to do something or to simply tell me that I am stupid, that's the kind of contact I get. You see, when I decided to move out from home at the young age of 18 and move nearly 1,000 miles away they made their decisions as to if they wanted to be part of my life or not. Their actions over the years have proved that I am the black sheep. The one no one wants to be near. This has not only hurt, but also proved that I was right to move away from the dysfunction that surrounds my family.
I have friends, however they are all far away. I am not the type of person who easily makes friends. It takes boatloads of trust for me to build relationships with anyone because of the number of times I've been burned. As sad as that is, I am constantly reminded that my mind works this way for a reason.
I work from home. I am blessed to have had this job for more than 3 years. However, many have shown just how much they disapprove of my keeping this job simply because it doesn't pay as much as they think it should. They don't care that this job has been what has supported my family when it needed to or that it has been what has kept me mentally able to deal with everyday.
I was a stay at home mom, but I was too afraid to tell anyone because my husband didn't make a ton of money, so we would have been judged for me being a stay at home mom.
Even after I started working and my children were bullied at school, I pulled them home and they were doing great with homeschooling I was judged. Because others thought that the children weren't getting enough socialization.
You see, no matter what I do, others see this as not good enough. Because I don't make nearly $100k a year, I am not doing enough for my family. Because I don't always have a smile on my face and willingness to go and do what others want to do, I'm not good enough. Because I don't have a 2nd car I'm not good enough.
There are so many things that people can judge me on, and I am just so tired of it. It has gotten to the point to where I ask "what would so-and-so say about this decision". I can't just do something because it's something that I or my family wants to do. We can't live where we want. We can't work where we want. We can't celebrate milestones the way we want. The list goes on and on. We are all but destined to be robots doing whatever everyone else wants us to do.
This leads me to an article posted on Huffpost where Arabelle Yee discusses expectations and whose we are really fulfilling. The main points of her article are:
1. What ifs
2. Fitting in
3. Expectations
4. Norm
Basically she says that because we have become a society that lives our lives by weighing the pros and cons of every situation, we will always come back to the negative and not do what we really want to do. For me this translates into "what if so-and-so disapproves". I should not have to think about what other people will think about a decision that I have made. I should not have to worry that one of my brothers will tell me that I need to find a place to love and stay there. I should not have to worry that because I have made a decision others will think my children will suffer.
We do this because we are afraid that we will not fit into the mold that society has created for our lives. Because we have grown up in the land of opportunity, society expects so much out of us. These high expectations is what leads to people being depressed. It is what leads to failure. As friends and family members, we must remember that it is our job to support and uplift one another not judge and talk about our loved ones behind their backs. I am excluded from many things and purposely photo shopped out of pictures people post online because I don't fit the mold that they want to display. This only alienates people further.
Society has decided over the years to apply expectations. This goes all the way down to when we are infants. We expect our children to be sitting by 6 months and walking by 12 otherwise there must be something wrong with them. We expect our teenagers to get perfect grades because we are expecting them to attend ivy league schools on full ride scholarships, but when do we stop and listen to what they want? We do not realize that our fantasies (our expectations) are just that... a fantasy. In the real world, we cannot meet fantasies because that's just what they are. Hopes and dreams set so high that a normal person would not ever be able to reach it.
Finally, we need to take a step back and think about the norm. We need to realize that the norm is only as such because that's what others are doing in a similar way. We must become aware of what the norm is and then live our lives the way we want to live them. We must set aside what others think is best for us and simply do what brings us the most joy.
Dalai Lama said "I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path".
If we really take hold of those words and find a way to make sure that we are not allowing the expectations of others to dictate our lives, we will slowly see the joy come back into our lives a little at a time.
What are some ways you can work to do this?
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